Similes for the twentieth century
I'm as impotently outraged as a YouTuber who just got rickrolled
So I am aware that computers have entered popular culture. That is not what I am talking about, when I speak of similes for the twentieth century. What I am talking about is figures of speech, proverbs, metaphors, and so on. I'm also not talking about the legions of people who latch on to Internet fads well after the last ounce of humour has been sucked from their brittle corpses (LOLcats, I am in particular angling for you. You can has terminal retardation, kiddo; let's euthanise you like we did the dancing ham(p)sters and get on with our lives)

Nor am I talking about "all your base are belong to us" or "it's a trap" or any of the 4Chan/Fark/SA-derived memes that now clutter our neurons like so many primetime television quotes. No no. I'm saying we need simile. And metaphor.

This stems from a thought yesterday when I realised that if the phrase "like waiting for a straight piece in Tetris" wasn't already a simile, it damn well needed to be. I mean, we already know how Southerners and Texans are well-armed with reams of quaint and quirky turns of phrase--you know, the type that always wind up being something like "oh, that's like stompin' on a crocodile with a mouth full of cotton" that don't make sense in retrospect but do at the time.

We could have these, geeks. There is a vast world of language out there yet to be expored. We're addressin' eight gigs of English with 32 bits, here. Maybe even sixteen. Let's get with the programme! (ha!) Other ideas!

"He's a 80386 in a Pentium world"
"Man, that idea is two disks short of a RAID"
"I wouldn't do that for all the gold farmers in China"
"I wouldn't believe you if you had a 200% price premium and a turtleneck"
"That's like trying to warez Quake on a 24,4kbaud modem"
"Yeah, he's a real Duke Nukem Forever"
"Ohh, she's mad like Richard Stallman in a Vista cluster"

Right? And instead of calling someone a "bonehead," wouldn't it be more effective to accuse him of "running common sense in a badly-emulated virtual machine"? And if someone was really bright, instead couldn't you say "yeah, her brain has a dedicated OC12, that's for sure"? Or instead of calling something out of date and obsolete, say "jesus, that is sooo CompuServ"? Of course it would. Think about it!

And now, my friends, I am stopping, lest I pull a Microsoft and wear out my welcome. But I turn the floor over to you, in the comments section and also by email. gets you in!

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